SOX WIN!

HELL - In what is shaping up to be the largest blizzard in Hell's history, people were getting around the Underworld Thursday on snowshoes and cross country skis. As the snowplows struggle to clear the main streets and highways through the metro area, people are still being asked to stay home and out of the way. The heavy snow is not only taking down power lines but has also caused a number of roofs to collapse.

In Hell, most schools and many businesses were closed for the day including the state Capitol.

Senate Leader McVeigh, R-Hell, said that the Capitol would close because of the weather for the first time in history. All government offices with the City and County of Hell will also be closed.The Hell State Patrol is requesting that travel on Hell highways be limited to essential or emergency trips. HSP has called out the Hell National Guard to help reach stranded drivers, many of whom have been stranded for an extended period of time along I-70 east of Hell.

The governor has been monitoring the situation through the night said spokesman Ted Bundy. “He's been assured that all available Hell resources have been deployed including about 1,500 snowplows Hellwide,” said Bundy. “Other resources such as the National Guard are on standby.”

There will be no mail service in Hell Thursday and limited service in other parts of the metro area.

A once familiar landscape was almost unrecognizable Thursday morning in Hell with normally busy streets little more than tracks and two feet of snow making it hard to distinguish buried terrorists from mass-murderers.

Hell was deserted early Thursday morning. Getting out was simply not an option for most people.