Putting it behind me

Well, it's been two full weeks.

One of the things you have plenty of whilst unemployed is time. I've spent a lot of time going over the events of February over and over again in my head. I still reach the same conclusion. I screwed up, but was it worth losing my job over? Only athenamanagement can answer that.

The fact is, they gave me a wee severance (Just a couple of weeks worth), set me up with the outplacement agency, and worded the termination letter to be sufficiently "gray". The Commonwealth of Massachusetts decided I was laid off, and we started receiving unemployment insurance this week, before we hit rock bottom, so we're still afloat for now.

I never thought I'd have to apply for food stamps, but we did, even though we may not quite qualify based on income. Hell, I'd take $100 a month; it will help the budget go further. It's the insurance I'm worried about. Fortunately, the carrier assumes we *want* COBRA, so we haven't been cut off yet. I actually have until April 24 to reply to the letter, and I don't even have to pay the premiums I owe; we just indicate that we want to continue coverage. If they don't get the letter, then we're terminated retroactively to the date my employment terminated.

Thanks to President Obama and the stimulus plan, I only need to pay 35% of the premium, instead of the full 100%, but we also qualify for a state benefit called the "Medical Security Program". We still need to pay the full premium, but the state reimburses me 80% of that. It's actually a better deal than when I was employed. Even though I worked in the industry, we were paying a 70/30 split on the insurance. I suppose I should be smug that the company stock tanked last week; down by 25% last Friday, but I digress.

Which finally brings me to what's been most painful of all...my personal loss. Perhaps you're lucky enough to have a "best friend at work". Maybe you just have aloof colleagues looking out for themselves and nothing more. I had a person who was so very dear to me at the old shop. We sat next to each other for five years (literally.) Every time the department moved, or re-organized, we made sure we had the choice seats; we stayed together through everything. Over time, I finally found the term, the so-called "Office Spouse". We milked that for all it was worth; we always took lunch together, would get flirty and do all the things that best friends would do.

But it was always within the framework of work...when the day ended, we said our goodbyes and went home to different houses. I've been married to dear Mrs. TriSec for 12 years; she's been with her significant other for about 15. We were so secure in our relationship that we used to joke that we could go home and tell our respective spouses that we've decided to have a passionate affair, and we'd both get the eyeroll and the "yeah, OK, whatever" from both sides. It was all great fun.

On February 17, it was like I had a sudden heart attack and died. That relationship suffered a huge blow. When I called her to break the news, she literally burst into tears at her desk. I was miserable for days; the Saturday after it happened, I finally broke down too and cried for hours that night, at my second job at LL Bean, on the way home, and just sitting in front of the computer mourning our lost relationship. It still makes me sad thinking about it now, for we both know in our hearts that our relationship as it stood ended that day, and will never be the same. Through all of what's happened, that is what truly, deeply, hurts me the most.

It will for some time.

But, life goes on. We've both decided recently that nobody died, nobody moved away, and she is still indeed my friend. I'm sure Mrs. TriSec won't mind, but Katherine knows me professionally better than my wife does personally, I think. "Kat" and I have shared so much, been through so many experiences....she knows me better than anyone, and may perhaps be my most trusted and bestest friend of late.

This week, I've had two paradigm-shifting experiences with sales career presentations. I'm thinking it's the right way to go for my future. Part of my belief that I can do it stems from Katherine's belief that I can do it. Here's my best friend, recognizing all my skills, and thinking I can excel. I mused about this at the store again today, and for the first time in two weeks, began to feel a little hope. It's going to be daunting, challenging, and possibly life-changing. But I have a dear friend that thinks I can do it; that's given me the hope and confidence to try.

She knows it.....I love her like a sister. I'm sure her significant other isn't going to mind me saying that.